Animatic HELP! How to Make Better?

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Hello I have an animatic here

How can i make this much more simplified and shorter. I notice the animation mentor films are usually 1 min or less, I want mine to be the same. Please let me know how to simplify the story and timing to make it more audience friendly.

My first attempt

http://coreyloving.com/Animation/ZooTikesSceneAnimatic4-sound.mov

My 2nd Attempt

http://coreyloving.com/Animation/BabyBluesAnimatic.mov

Im going to remake the animatic again, but this time get rid of the slime ball because I dont think people will understand it or like it.

Heres my idea.

-The Blue Baby takes the ball away from the Gray baby
-The Gray baby starts to cry
-The Blue Baby looks at the ball he just stole and feels bad
-Blue Baby rolls the ball at the crying Gray Baby,
-The Gray Baby looks up at the Blue Baby who has a look of Compasion
-They both smile and start to play roling the ball back and forth and the camera pans out

What do you think?

Im trying to illiminate any confusion points that I think there were so far such as

1.) Baby SUddenly falling alseep
2.) Slime ball coming out of his nose

Yet also keep the parts people like

1.) The baby crying
2.) Facial expressions of the Blue Baby

Do you think this new idea is effective? It wont be humurous, will that hurt it? Please let me know guys, I could really use the feedback.

I like the slime ball idea. Babies can be so gross that way – I’ve had three. I preferred the sounds to the music. The nose on the grey baby needs two nostrils. You sorted out the lighting on the second version. Maybe the slime ball needs to drip as it floats to give people a clue and let a small rivulet remain under his nose. I also think the blowing of it worked better in the first.

The baby falling asleep might be overcome if he was asleep at first and just opened one eye to clock the theft. Maybe a small thinking frown before he shuts it again. Blue baby’s facial expressions are fine.

This could be very funny.:)

so you like the slime ball? Someone told me snot humor is pretty lame. Im really confused here as to what to do. Do you think humor is good or bad here, is there anyway I could add humor in differnt ways? Perhaps a whole nothing idea with the same scenario of two babies , and room, and two balls?